Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
I do some select consulting for dental laboratories. I am not trying to build a business around it, just helping out some friends who need coaching. The laboratories that have asked for help, advice, counsel and guidance have taken it and profited significantly. They have improved their financial bottom lines and their emotional states. They, however, had to do the really heavy lifting. I just told them what to lift. In fact, what I do is far from magic, more like common sense. It always seems more effective if it comes from someone whose advocacy you respect and heed. The toughest step is not executing the strategic initiatives or implementing the changes we design together. The toughest step is the very first step: Asking for Help!
Cultural reasons play a role in why someone may not ask for help. We value independence and the idea of having to rely on help is inacceptable to most. Self sufficiency plays a role, and so does the desire to just fit into your micro society as a normal functioning member. But the most important reason that we do not ask for help is fear. Three fears to be exact. Nora Klaver, author of “Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need” explains that fear of separation (we might state it as fear of rejection) is the strongest barrier to overcome. This societal banishment has been a fate worse than death for time eternal. To be singled out or separated in any way from our communities, families or friends is too emotionally painful.
Fear of surrender or loss of control is the second worry that stops us from asking for help. Twenty six percent of those questioned feared loss of control when considering asking for help we do not want to surrender our skills, talents and capabilities to a peer. We also do not want to feel like we owe someone else for the support they provide. Even the paid consultancy renders and emotional debt that can be a barrier to face.
Fear of shame is the most widely reported reason for not asking for that helping hand (more than 55 percent). We do not want to look weak, needy, stupid or incompetent by asking for help. Unfortunately, when we delay asking for help the very consequences we fear most – rejection, loss of control, shame- will all come true.
The costs of not asking for help are huge and are realized across a wide variety of sources.
- Increased costs
- Decreased team efficiency
- Reduced productivity
- Limited development of others
- Limited team bonding
- Unrealistic expectations
- Elimination of authority in the workplace
If your experience is fulfilling financially, emotionally and professionally, you likely do not need help. If it is not, do the unthinkable - ask for help! Find a friend, colleague or consultant for advice, counsel or coaching. If we can overcome our fears of asking for help, we can reach more of our capabilities. Remember the last time someone asked you for guidance, you did not make them feel bad; on the contrary, you were flattered they asked you. A stronger friendship and relationship was likely the result.
Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Michael Phelps and many others elite athletes ask for help from several sources. Skills coaching, nutritional guidance, conditioning training and maybe even a sports psychologist are on staff for each of these individuals - all of whom are the very best of the best in their disciplines. They must have found a way to overcome their fears and ask for help.
